


Hidden

by DifferentChild



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Bullying, Depressed Pidge, Depression, Gen, Hospitalization, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Suicidal Pidge, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 06:15:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19458082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DifferentChild/pseuds/DifferentChild
Summary: TWAllura asks the Paladins to.share their deepesr secrets so that none remain. Naturally they all struggle, but Pidge shuts down. The memory was too close to the present...





	Hidden

**Author's Note:**

> TW in tags

Deepest darkest secrets

Allura encouraged them to share 

Everyone was struggling but Pidge couldn't. 

None of them knew

She made Matt swear not to tell ANYONE. Not even Shiro.

She made her parents PROMISE 

When she promised not to do.it again...they had to promise never to speak of it to others.

Pidge had her fair share of hospitalizations growing up. That wasn't even The Secret. She would rather talk about that for the rest of her life than talk about this even once. She didn't want to talk about it because even the thought of it just made her want to hide.

This was a little point for her and she was already thinking about it again and she had to stop she promised she would stop she promised she would do anything

But with no leads on Matt or her dad. She was feeling pretty hopeless right now. what was the point of any of this? Those old feelings, fears, worries, thoughts that she wasn't enough. That without her, things would be better.

Stupid assignment just brought up the memory, those feelings she'd been trying not to think about. But as she went to her room and locked the door, that was all coming back as the tears started flowing…

_________

It was a particularly low point. She made sure it was when her father was on a mission, her brother was at school, and her mother busy with work. No one would be home till it was over.

Katie loved them. Katie loved them more than she loved anybody else in the whole wide world. Her family and her dog. She loved them beyond compare.

And that's why she wrote a letter to each of them individually, including Bae Bae, and one to the whole family.

A goodbye letter, well, letters. She still had the family one and they all have their individual ones because they never found that one. But she knew where it was. Karie could never forget. 

The bullying was too much. It was the last straw. The stress she was putting on her family was too much. Everything was too much. She could do it anymore she was not going to ever fit in she was never going to have a place. It all piled up.

It was a dark place in her head and it was bad and it was scary. She had been thinking about this for longer than she had ever said. Her family had no idea and she felt terrible but she couldn't burden them anymore with her problems. She was getting older now she was in 5th grade. She needed to grow up.

All the kids in her classes, teachers, counselors, administrators, always talked about how much she relied on her family. Peers taunted her with how much of a baby she was. Well she wasn't gonna be a baby anymore. She was gonna be a big girl and she was going to fix her own problems and this was how. 

So she would solve the sadness. The depression. The loneliness. The fear. This is so she would deal with all those feelings she did know how to deal with. The stress of bullying. The burden she was putting on other people. This is how she would fix it. She was really helping them. And she was taking care of her own problems.

Katie had had to talk herself into it because she didn't necessarily believe in life after death. She was a scientist so there was no reason to. She was a scientist so she had to be brave. It was a terrifying thought. It wasn't something she was even experimenting with. It was a decision she had made. It would fix everything. 

She went downstairs and found the knife she was looking for. It was a good size for her hand with a sharp enough blade. Easy enough for her mom to replace. She had a piggy bank that would cover the cost of one knife. 

Next step was going upstairs and in the bathroom. It would be easier to clean up there. She didn't have her own when Matt was home they shared. But he wouldn't be home till the weekend so there was time.

Then locking the door. Katie had taken Bae Bae out, made sure the doggy door to the yard was open, and given him one last hug. That was the hardest part. Doing this while he was home. Even locking the door he was already scratching at it. They were insuperable. 

But this had to be done. Short sleeves so it would be easier.

The mantra she found online being repeated in her head 

'Down the road, not across the street. '

'Down the road, not across the street. '

'Down the road, not across the street. '

It had to be done. The longer she waited, the harder it would be.

Uncertain if she'd get to both due to the potential for weakness after the cut, the first one had to count.

Taking a deep breath, Katie slit her left wrist as deep as she could, as fast as she could. She should've done the right first. It hurt and throb, already bleeding. Bleeding wasn't one of her issues but if you hit right it would bleed regardless.

One would have to be enough as she tried to do the other wrist but didn't have the same strength or success. It was bleeding but the depth? She was never what one would call physically strong but this HAD to work. 

Katie's memories included waiting to die and then they got hazy.

Later she was told that Bae Bae broke down the door. That Matt came home even though he wasn't supposed to. He'd wanted to surprise her, That he found his note and he dropped it, immediately rushing to find that Bae Bae was already trying to get a phone. They had trained him well.

How long she was laying like that she wasn't sure. How long it had taken was not accurately timed as she didn't think she would need to. The doctor said it was a very good thing that Matt came home. And they left it at that when talking to Katie later.

1st step had been the hospital. But they did ned met her to the pediatric Ward like they usually did when she went to the hospital. They had her in the ER for quite a while. Somebody came and talked to her. These were only vague memories piece together with the things she had been told. Then she was sent to a place. A different place that she was scared to go to. It wasn't like the hospital that she usually went to. It wasn't the same nurses and it wasn't as warm and cozy and familiar. It was very clinical and very hospital pirie it was a mental hospital.

Her parents couldn't see her whenever they wanted. They couldn't sleep over in the Room with her. Bae Bae couldn't stay. There was no access to tech. Phone time limited. Visitors limited.

No forks or knives. Only spoons.

No home cooking. No accommodating for her allergies as they weren't life threatening. She just didn't eat much. Also didn't help.

School was still held there. And they didn't care that the work was too easy. She couldn't read a book when she was done. It was not a nice place.

A lot of the other girls, kids, kept to themselves. She learned that was the best way. Anything you were allowed in common not much for her coma you had to hold tight. You had to cling to it and you had to protect it. She had wondered if this was what prison was like.

Group therapy. Individual therapy. Always therapy.

Medication that made her want to throw up, that made it worse. She learned how to fake it and get rid of it.

Eventually she was freed but she still had to go to a therapist and she wasn't going back to school for a little bit. Her mother took time off. Her father was heartbroken when he came home but so glad that she was still there.

Lots of attempts at finding a good therapist until they found one that would listen to her and treated her as her mental and physical age rather than "just a kid."

Many drugs they went through to find an antidepressant that didn't make things worse. It was a rough time. A lost several months.

Nonna and Nonno came to stay so Colleen and Sam could work. So Matt could go to school. They took her to appointments. They watched her afterschool when she did go back. Katie was not allowed to be alone for quite a while. They took turns sleeping with her. Matt was home a lot, given permission based on the family situation. 

Her room was searched daily, sometimes multiple times a day. She was not allowed in the kitchen. Every piece of silverware for meals was meticulously accounted for. Daily inventories of the kitchen. Bathroom searches. The door always had to be open. 

Bae Bae was task trained to interrupt any self harming behaviors as they had been shocked to find scars all over her body in various states of healing. He was trained again to call 911. For emergencies. Who to get. What to find. He already knew what to do when she was having problems with her asthma. This was a whole nother level of training they never thought they would have done. 

Time passed. Months turned into more months. Her family went back to Italy. She resumed her normal life as normal as it could be. They had long talks. She was told to have someone go with her to the bathroom. So the teacher instituted a buddy policy. The kids some of them loved it, but she would make sure you are not fooling around as the buddy was there to get you in-and-out. Kids were always falling around in the bathroom anyway so that wasn't hard to believe. Not the usual solution but rewards were given when kids were fast. It worked.

Elementary gave way to middle.

There was More privacy given but within limitations.

Things have been going fairly acceptable until the Kerberos mission. Katie had regularly been seeing her therapist. Bae Bae went with her everywhere. It worked. The routine of it all comforted her as routines had always been key to avoid meltdowns with their little neurodivergent genius. 

Then her world came crashing down and Colleen was watching her like a hawk again.

There was the normal kind of hospitalization. An illness that nearly kicked her to the curb because her physical and mental state were so worn down from the matter. But instead she became obsessed with finding them. She couldn't believe they were gone. If she believed they were gone and she was in deeper trouble.

When Katie wanted to enroll at the Garrison, Colleen had put her foot down.

It wasn't until a long conversation later that she caved. Katie needed support and she would do it anyway. 

Pidge Gunderson became a cadet and fast forward,here she was.

___

The memories were old felt fresh piercing the lines had grown faint and she always pretended that it was from some stupid injury. She was clumsy. None of the boys had ever asked. Though Keith took a good long look at them one day when he didn't think she could see. Another reason she usually wore long sleeves. Her arms. Her wrists. Memories she didn't want to face.

So when the princess asked them to share their deepest darkest secrets she shut down. They all struggled but she completely shut down and left the Room right away. Crying in her Room was the healthiest to solution she could come up with.

Because with no leads on her family, those doubts, those concerns, worries, and fears were creeping back up to the front of her mind...

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if this will have a part 2 or not. I have been struggling personally lately and tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back. 
> 
> So I had to do something in attempt not to do it to myself.
> 
> Based off my own experiences with this stuffm
> 
> Still struggling and not in the best headspace.
> 
> Reviews appreciated. 
> 
> Feel free to share your struggles.
> 
> Your thoughts. Even secrets for the others. I'll bite.


End file.
